THE BAGZ MANIFESTO
A REVOLUTIONARY APPROACH TO LOSING MONEY WITH STYLE
ABSTRACT
In an era where JPEGs of rocks sell for millions and dog coins reach the moon, we present BAGZ: the ultimate expression of degen culture. This paper outlines our vision to create the most unnecessary yet irresistible NFT collection in the metaverse.
DISCLAIMER: This is not financial advice. In fact, it's barely advice at all. BAGZ is a social experiment designed to separate fools from their SOL while having a good laugh along the way. If you're looking for a serious investment, close this tab immediately and buy some index funds.
"IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU'RE NGMI UNLESS YOU APE IN WITH YOUR ENTIRE NET WORTH"
ORIGIN STORY
It was 4:20 AM on a Tuesday. Our founder, 0xBAGLORD, was 69 hours into a trading bender, surviving on nothing but energy drinks, ramen, and pure hopium. After losing his third house on a 125x leveraged shitcoin position, he hallucinated a paper bag with sunglasses telling him to "create something even more worthless."
The vision was clear: create 333 illustrated bag characters that perfectly capture the essence of being a degen in crypto - making terrible financial decisions while looking cool doing it. Each BAGZ would be a digital representation of our collective poor judgment, immortalized on the blockchain forever.
"I didn't choose the BAGZ life. The BAGZ life chose me after I lost everything on LUNA, then remortgaged my mom's house for the PEPE top." - 0xBAGLORD
TOKENOMICS
$SWAG TOKEN
BAGZ holders will earn our utility token, $SWAG, which has absolutely no utility whatsoever except to dump on the next sucker. It's the perfect token for the modern crypto ecosystem.
SUPPLY
Total Supply: 69,420,000,000 $SWAG
- Team: 69.0% (locked for 4.20 seconds)
- Marketing: 20.0% (for bribing influencers)
- Community: 0.1% (we're generous AF)
- Liquidity: 10.9% (until we rug)
EMISSIONS
Staking Rewards: 42,069% APY (first 69 minutes only)
- Legendary BAGZ: 333 $SWAG per second
- Epic BAGZ: 69 $SWAG per second
- Rare BAGZ: 4.20 $SWAG per second
- Common BAGZ: 0.69 $SWAG per second
Every time someone sells $SWAG, we burn 42.0% of the tokens, ban them from our Discord, dox their wallet, and send a strongly worded tweet about paper hands. This ensures number only go up (trust us bro).
LIQUIDITY PROVISIONS
We've developed a revolutionary liquidity strategy called "Pump & HODL" that guarantees massive gains:
- We provide 0.0001 SOL of initial liquidity
- You ape in with your life savings
- Price pumps 100,000x due to no liquidity
- We tweet rocket emojis hourly
- You can't sell because there's no liquidity
- We all pretend we're rich together
ROADMAP TO NGMI
Unlike other projects that promise the moon and deliver a dirt clod, we're keeping it real. Here's our completely unrealistic roadmap that we'll abandon after the first mint:
PHASE 1: THE MINTWE ARE HERE
- Launch 333 BAGZ at 0.333 SOL each
- Sell out in 4.20 seconds (bot buyers welcome)
- Tweet "gm" every day for a week then disappear for a month
- Buy a Lambo with mint funds (for "marketing purposes")
- Change all social media profile pics to laser eyes
PHASE 2: THE PUMP
- Pay influencers to shill BAGZ with their last shred of credibility
- Launch $SWAG token with 42,069% APY staking (first hour only)
- Create merch that nobody will receive (but everyone will pay for)
- Announce partnerships with other projects that don't exist
- Start 7 different Discord channels for "alpha leaks" that are just emoji puzzles
- Release a mobile game that's just a JPEG of a loading screen
PHASE 3: THE PIVOT
- Announce we're now an AI project (add "AI" to our name)
- If AI is no longer trendy, announce we're now a DeFi project (add "DeFi" to our name)
- If DeFi is no longer trendy, announce we're now a metaverse project (add "Meta" to our name)
- Repeat until all buzzwords are exhausted
- Claim our server was "hacked" when community gets angry
- Launch 15 new tokens to "fix" the problems with the first one
PHASE 4: THE DUMP
- Blame market conditions
- Announce we're "focusing on building"
- Change Twitter bio to "we're here for the long term"
- Slowly sell team allocation while tweeting diamond hands emojis
- Post "mental health break" announcement when caught selling
- Claim we were "betrayed" by a rogue team member (it was all of us)
- Delete Discord after locking all channels for "maintenance"
PHASE 5: THE RESURRECTION
- Return 3 years later during next bull run with new identities
- Act like nothing happened
- Announce BAGZ 2.0 with "revolutionary tokenomics"
- Claim original BAGZ holders will get "OG benefits" (they won't)
- Repeat phases 1-4
- Buy second Lambo
THE DEGENS BEHIND BAGZ
0xBAGLORD
Founder & Chief Degen
Former hedge fund janitor who got rich on dogcoins. Has lost and made millions 3 times. Currently living in his mom's basement again. Sleeps 2 hours a day and subsists entirely on energy drinks and ramen.
SER BAGGINGTON
Lead "Artist"
Failed NFT flipper who learned to draw using MS Paint. Claims to have worked with Beeple but can't prove it. Constantly high on hopium. Once spent 69 SOL on a rock JPEG at the top of the market.
BAGATRON
Discord Mod & Vibes
Professional Discord moderator for 42 failed projects. Specializes in typing "GM" and banning FUD. Believes every project is "undervalued." Has never been outside. Calls everyone "ser" and "fren."
ANONYMOUS ADVISORS
"We also have 7 anonymous billionaires, 3 former central bank chairmen, and Satoshi Nakamoto as advisors, but they can't reveal their identities due to SEC regulations. Trust us bro."
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
WEN MOON?
Soon™. Trust us bro. We're just waiting for the whales to finish accumulating.
IS THIS A RUG PULL?
We prefer the term "liquidity relocation event." But seriously, this is a parody project. If you're looking for financial advice, you've come to the wrong paper bag. That said, we'll probably rug harder than your ex rugged your heart.
WHAT'S THE UTILITY?
BAGZ utility is showing your friends you make poor financial decisions with style. Also, you can use your BAGZ as a profile picture to signal to the world that you're a true degen. If you're asking about utility, you're already NGMI.
WHY ONLY 333 BAGZ?
Because we're too lazy to make 10,000 and calling it "exclusive" sounds better than admitting we ran out of ideas after the first dozen. Also, 333 is half of 666, which is pretty metal and makes us seem edgy.
WILL THERE BE AIRDROPS?
Yes, we'll airdrop you disappointment and broken promises, just like every other NFT project. But they'll come with funny memes, so it's worth it. We might also airdrop you some worthless tokens that cost more in gas to claim than they're worth.
APE NOW OR WAIT?
If you have to ask, you're already too late. True degens don't research, they ape first and ask questions never. Remember: scared money don't make money, and neither does BAGZ, but at least you'll have a cool profile pic while you're filing for bankruptcy.
DEGEN TESTIMONIALS
"I sold my kidney to mint a BAGZ. Best financial decision I've ever made. Now I'm looking into selling other organs to mint more."
"My wife left me after I spent our house down payment on BAGZ NFTs. Now I live in a cardboard box, but at least it's shaped like a bag. Bullish!"
"I don't understand what BAGZ is, but I mortgaged my grandmother's house to buy some. She doesn't know yet. To the moon!"
"I've been in crypto for 69 years and BAGZ is the most revolutionary project I've ever seen. It will change the world or something."
CONCLUSION
BAGZ isn't just an NFT collection; it's a movement. A movement of degens proudly making terrible financial decisions together while pretending we're early to the next big thing.
In a world of serious projects promising to change the world, we promise nothing except dank memes, a good time, and the opportunity to watch your SOL disappear faster than your ex's text messages. Join us if you dare, but remember: this is not financial advice, it's financial performance art.
"FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE, BUT BANKRUPTCY FAVORS THE BAGZ HOLDER."
*By minting BAGZ, you acknowledge that you are probably NGMI and agree to post "gm" in our Discord every day until the end of time. No refunds, no utility, no hope - just vibes.